A few months ago I had to stop running and I had to stop crosfit and I almost had a major breakdown because for some reason I have identified part of (or a lot of ) my worth on health and performance (go figure….). But when you have beat yourself up for so long w high impact sports and you keep running on a bad knee for soooo long, and you don’t really stretch and you just pop ibuprofen to keep going and keep up and refuse to quit crosfit even though you probably should have slowed it down a looong time ago guess what? The PAIN will eventually speak out LOUD ENOUGH. It made me stop ~and paying attention to my pain might not be such a bad thing. It has been a struggle but here is what I’m figuring out:
I was so distraught at the thought of having to trade in my gym membership for the yoga hippies club that I ‘pretended’ I would eventually go back to heavy lifting and this would pass. What I have found out is that listening to my pain has been a beautiful thing. And well, yoga is not so bad and boring. It is actually pretty hard and challenging- but in a different way.
I forgot that our bodies are so tied to our souls and when I try to run from my pain my soul gets left behind, un-cared for. I realize now that it isn’t just health and performance and the body- but that I have been running from feeling certain emotions. Mostly pain… and shame, maybe some betrayal, the list can grow. I think we can all ‘run’ in different ways, some of us run with eating, or drinking, or shopping, or just hatin’ ya feel?? The truth for me is that going to physical therapy and having to sit in a yoga class thinking and thinking (or trying not to think as the instructors tell me) for an hour about being in the present is catching up on me. I never liked slowing down before. These past months I’ve been forced to slow down, and listen, and feel. Then all of a sudden just like God always does, the signs start coming. Amazing books that fall on my lap about pain and vulnerability being GOOD (what??!), freedom of the soul movement events, an angel of a counselor, a crash course called Rescue Lab that blew my socks off and all this happening to me in the same month!! All of these books, teachers, speakers and events have been on this earth for a long time. BUT THEY ALL FELL ON MY LAP ON THE SAME MONTH. The same month that I began to listen to my pain. It was as if God was telling me, “Good, you are now ready to listen, to Be Still, and this is a good thing, and I love you and maybe you forgot that you don’t need to DO anything for that love~ well let me remind you.” No need to keep running, striving, pretending, hiding. It’s crazy, but it’s good- I consider it growth and growth is good.
So, for the time being…..I’ve stopped running from both physical pain and spiritual pain. Or emotional pain if you prefer. It’s not terribly bad you might think, but I do realize it was getting in the way of my freedom and of my joy. The struggle is real my friends- but I am equipped. God’s Holy Spirit is available to me for this process and I am very glad about that. I can’t do it on my own. My physical therapist peeps are helping me with the body aches and my Jesus is helping me tend to my soul~
I am still digging deep and walking in the mud- but I am excited about the hope that healing brings. #BREATHE~
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